"PARIS - Former French matinee idol Pepe Le Pew was among the hundreds injured last night amid violent feline rioting in the impoverished Parisian suburb of Dans-le-Crappeur. Le Pew, 58, a former Warner Brothers studio actor turned Chirac government spokes-skunk, sustained severe scratches and concussions in the melee before nose-pin equipped EMT rescue squads could drag him to safety. He is expected to make a full recovery.
"Last night's rioting marked the eighth consecutive night of violence in the Paris suburbs, as thousands of immigrant feline youths continue to rampage to protest a lack of jobs and cuts in French government tuna programs. Dans-le-Crappeur, home to tens of thousands of unemployed first-hundred generation immigrant cats, has been particularly hard hit.
"Violence erupted here last Wednesday night after French Interior Minister Nikolas Sarkozy announced a crackdown on crime and furniture-scratching in the sprawling Chateau des Chats public housing projects. Enraged feline youths went on a rampage, smashing windows of local fish shops and overturning hundreds of public pay-litter boxes. Violence intensified over the weekend as enraged cats began burning and looting sprees across the suburbs, sparked by Sarkozy's remarks that they were 'easily enraged.'
"In a stark warning of continued violence Monday, immigrant community spokes-cat Imam Tariq Al-Felix of the Lipi Le Lyon Mosque said that arson and looting would continue 'until the French government does something to solve the problem of all the burned out looted buildings in our neighborhoods.'
"Seeking to quell the burgeoning Kitty-fada and restore public order, French President Jacques Chirac and Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin enlisted the help of Le Pew yesterday. It was thought that Le Pew - who led France's UN efforts to oppose US sanctions against the so-called 'pussies of evil' of Sylvester, Tom and Mr. Jinks - would help establish a diplomatic dialog with the Gallic feline community.
"Instead, the outreach effort appeared to backfire. According to witnesses, Le Pew's appearance on the scene last night caused a stampede as panicked crowds began fleeing the smell. More trouble ensued when Le Pew was seen as making 'inappropriate contact' with a burqqa-clad female cat, which reportedly sparked a mob of feline activists to don nose clips and begin beating him. Youths also set fire to a street-stripe painting truck which was allegedly involved in the incident.
"From his hospital bed, Le Pew issued an apology to the Parisian cat community, explaining that 'I am to be walking in zee park one day, in ze merry merry month of Mai,' and 'Pepe, he is to thinking this feline girl, she is un belle skunk femme fatale, no?'
"Le Pew also appealed for public calm, and cautioned French citizens not to let the violence lead to anti-immigrant sentiment.
"'To ze multiculturalisme, we must say ‘Vive L’Amour!' said Le Pew.
"'And remember, France needs zee cat community,' he added. 'Who else is going to pay for Pepe’s free hospital?'"
